The Diocese of Winchester

In an emergency always ring 999

‘Mummy fell over, and I was helping her up’

At the end of another day of meetings, taking a school assembly and visiting some members of your congregation who are in hospital, you come in to the usual seven or eight messages on your answer phone.  

One of them is a message from the wife of one of your most committed and useful PCC members. She is asking to come and see you as soon as possible. You feel puzzled because she is asking you not to call her back, but she will call again later in the day.  

What could be the problem? Her husband is a friend of yours. You have had a drink in the pub with him occasionally after a meeting.  He’s a personable kind of chap, a family man. 

The next day, she comes to see you to tell you she is moving away. She wants you to know why she is going because she does not think her husband will be truthful with you. She is clearly distressed and tense. She tells you a story of a marriage you find hard to recognise, in fact you wonder whether to believe her.  Could it be true that your friend is the same person as the man she is describing who, over the years, has undermined his wife’s confidence to such an extent that she has recently had to give up her job?

She has not been allowed to see her family except on special occasions when he accompanies her; she has had to borrow some money from a friend over the past few weeks because he has told her that she should be able to run the house on £70 a week, even though they have three children. The final straw came last week when, not for the first time, he punched her in the stomach, knocked her to the ground and then stood on her hand.  The difference this time is that one of their children ran in and saw what was going on, and started to cry. He told their daughter that ‘Mummy fell over, and I was helping her up.’

She will be leaving within the next few days, at least for a while, even though she is very upset at going. She will be taking their two younger children with her, but she knows their seventeen year old son will not want to come and, very reluctantly, she is going to have to leave him with his father. She swears you to secrecy about her plans. She asks if she can ring you now and again to find out how their oldest son is managing without her. 

What would you do? 

What would you be thinking about as the best course of action?

How best could you help her?

Two women every week are killed in this country by their present or former partner .  Thousands more are seriously hurt, with lasting repercussions on their physical and mental health.  Over 75% children on child protection registers in this country have been affected by domestic violence.    Police receive a domestic violence phone call every minute of every day, and yet only 35% of domestic violence incidences are reported to them. 

For women aged between 19 and 44, domestic violence is the leading cause of death – greater than cancer, car accidents and warfare.  Whilst men can also be victims of domestic violence, mortality and serious injury rates are low.  Domestic violence and abuse occurs in families and between couples irrespective of race, culture, nationality, class, religion, age, financial and professional status.  

Diocesan Synod passed a resolution at its last meeting last year which affirms that domestic abuse is always wrong, is contrary to God’s intention in human relationships and is a sin.  The resolution also undertook that the Diocese would raise awareness about domestic violence and abuse amongst those in a teaching and pastoral role.  

The Diocese is offers training events to equip clergy and lay workers to be better prepared to deal with a situation of domestic violence/abuse, should it come to light in your parish. For further information contact frances.terhaar@winchester.anglican.org

(Statistics are taken from figures provided by the Home Office and the Metropolitan Police)